but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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