Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
