im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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