You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Randomize
