Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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