I'm gonna have a badass scar
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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