why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
