i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize