Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
