You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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