this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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