Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
