need another drink. this is the easiest way
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
