I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
