So drunk its hurt
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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