I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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