you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
