The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We left the knife in your bed.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
