Don't make out with my wife yet
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
