I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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