By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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