why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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