I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think my moral compass just broke
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
