I'm lost and stupid without you.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
