I wish I only lived at night.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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