Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
