We're like a lot better than the average bears
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You made out with two different species that night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
