Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
