Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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