it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He did a backflip because drugs
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