I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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