Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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