no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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