Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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