Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
don't judge my taste in strippers
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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