Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
