can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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