I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
