Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
