okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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