Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
