so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
