You're my little dorito
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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