You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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