Do you still have your period?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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