A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
