drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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