the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize