He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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