i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We just shotgunned beers for America
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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