i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just blew my weed a kiss
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize