you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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