Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize