how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
