i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
