How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
