God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
