Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
