we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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