im having a threesome with these popsicles
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
