I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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