You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize