My room smells like vodka and shame
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
