I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
