Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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